Stay Awake
by Serymn
Summary: Nothing changed. They still tolerated each other with mutual enmity. But they didn't foresee what was coming, and soon find that they aren't the persons they once were. (Warning: Incest)
1. Chapter 1

**Stay Awake**

**Chapter 1: Nightmare/Dreamscape**

AN: Warnings for themes and incest. Imagine Tomoko is 17 and Tomoki 16. Imagine a slightly more mature Tomoko. I made this intentionally cringe-y. I haven't tried writing romance, but here's an attempt – a rather twisted, surreal one. (I'll also think of a better summary soon...)_  
_

* * *

"_The love that we will never make together, is the most beautiful,  
__the most violent, the most pure, the most heady..._"  
- Lemon Incest, Serge Gainsbourg

* * *

Tomoko sits in her classroom alone, headphones blaring heavy metal to drown out the sounds of cheers and applause from the school field below. There was a soccer championship game her younger brother was in, but there was no way she could watch without being disappointed. She knows she shouldn't feel this way, she should be watching and supporting her school, and her brother playing. But it hurt, it was choking her, and she wants to run home again.

Downstairs, everyone would be cheering for him. He would smile for them, they would all take pictures with him and he'll celebrate with his team. Now, she had to turn the volume up to max, the sounds of shouts and applause exploded, it meant their school won. She knows Tomoki will be off with his friends until night. He'll go home to the congratulations of their parents, mother and father telling him they are proud of him...

Her ears hurt from the music. Swallowing down her exaggerated fear, she walked to the window to see what was going on down the field, outside. The team was already grouped together for a picture, Tomoki in the middle and holding the faux gold trophy for them winning the championship. By then, all her irrational envy disappeared as she saw that her brother was smiling, a genuine one. Tomoki rarely ever smiled, he frowned and sneered most of the time. He usually scowled and looked irritated, when he talks to her. Now, though, the grin made him look pleased. He looked different.

Somehow, Tomoko feels proud of her brother. Long ago, he used to smile at her that way too, when he was a clingy little brother who didn't want to be separated from his sister. It seemed that it had been so long since he smiled for her and her alone. But now, she can't help but smile too, because Tomoki won and he was happy. Then, he happened to look at her direction. Their eyes met. They smiled at each other for a moment. It was her way of recognizing, congratulating him. Smiling feels pleasant.

(Or did he really smile at her? Was he smiling at the sky, at everyone? That far away, maybe he can't see her at all. But since she can see him from here, that means he can also see her. But she still knows for the rest of the day she will be nothing. Tomoki was better at this high school popularity game than her. He was already up that ladder of popularity Tomoko can never reach, only hope for – and she has ceased hoping for.)

No class for the rest of the day, it was all for school games she won't watch. She hopes that no teacher or classmate will find her here, in their classroom where she was alone as everyone else was having fun watching. She'll read a book and wait until 5, to go home alone. She knows for the whole afternoon, Tomoki will have no shortage of people happy for him and their team. He would not think of her.

#

They have been going to the same high school for two years now. Tomoko observed that even her classmates talk about her younger brother, now known as that cool soccer player. She had spied on several of his girl classmates giving him various gifts, girls wanting to confess their affections to a guy who appeared not to care. Tomoko feels good that her brother doesn't actually care about them. But _if_ he did, she thinks she might just die of envy. If her brother first gets in a relationship earlier than her, she might as well have a heart attack. If her brother brings a girl home, or if ever she learns her brother wasn't a virgin anymore, she might as well _kill _him.

She had thought that being the big sister of a popular boy would make her known, and they would admire her and get jealous that she's close to a well-liked person. She had imagined that they would be known as the 'cool siblings' in school. Instead, to her frustration, people didn't notice. _Haven't you all noticed that we have the same surname? That we have the same damn name save for one letter? That we have the same eye baggage from lack of sleep? I know a lot about him, since he was born, and he's not that great as you all think. _

Though, until now, her quest for being popular just failed. She stopped caring about it, but of course it still nags in her mind. They don't talk here in school, even if they pass by each other and pretend not to know each other. Tomoki had his friends and fangirls. Tomoko was alone, always, but it was at least better than before. In time, Kotomi was now a tolerable frenemy. Nemoto, the unremarkable classmate, was kind. There was still Yuu-chan.

Two years ago, Tomoki had planned to go to another school but didn't due to Tomoko's fault – she forgot to mail the application. Tomoki got pissed at her and gave her the silent treatment for weeks. Until now, Tomoki had imposed an agreement between them, it was a cold one – _Don't ever talk to me when we're in school. _What an arrogant bastard, so full of himself. She also knows she also deserves it for being an asshole to him. But, even for her, that was rather cruel. Is he so ashamed to be associated with her? Well, damn him. As if she would waste her time seeking him out in school anyway. She can still annoy him all she wants at home.

Nothing changed. They still tolerated each other with mutual enmity.

#

Even if how much she reads about sex and inducing erotic dreams, Tomoko can never do it herself. She tried lucid dreaming, but it always ended up failing. Strange things come up like bugs, animals, or too-far-out imaginary creatures. She's familiar with arousal, sure, she's felt that trembling dampness when she listens to moans from erotic CDs and she's felt excitement when watching animated copulation in games and videos... but the excitement is never fulfilled. But she tries, to do it to herself, sometimes. In some nights, she'll be gripped by a strong feeling of loneliness headier than any fantasy. She'll clench her fists against the bed sheets, tears sudden on her pillows, that she was so alone while others had lovers. Even fictional characters that start as hopeless at the beginning had people who loved them in the end.

Sometimes, in odd hours of early morning, the few fantasies that sated her were about people she knows. She'll never admit it to anybody, or to herself, even. What if... Yuu-chan, undressing, showing off her soft, generous breasts, moaning _Mokochi _and letting Tomoko have all the control. In her imagination, Tomoko feels so strong, what she imagines what a guy might feel about taking a girl as beautiful as her best friend. Tomoko sees: smooth white skin, a slim waist, a soft sex wet and eager for her caressing kisses.

Or sometimes, the cute senior named Megumi. Not a shy one, this girl, and this time it is Tomoko on her knees and giving in. Being the student council president, she might have done explicit favors for teachers and other students, right? One side of Tomoko thinks that it must be a dirty thing to think of about her, but maybe the girl had feelings for her, maybe...

Or even... her brother. Tall, lean, with that cold, cruel expression many girls found attractive. She tries to remember the sensations of all the times her brother touched her. That grip he uses to hurt her, what if it grasped other, more intimate places? He's kicked her. What if those strong legs were put to good use, her brother would have the endurance to go on all night long, whispering _nee-chan _and just going on harder faster and Tomoko breathless and wanting more, they would do it silently and very fast in the middle of night preferably because they wouldn't want to get caught.

And in that last fantasy, she comes, silent thunder flashing white beneath closed eyes and thinks, _god, it's been too long since I got off this way_.

But then, she forces herself out of these thoughts. As she drowns in sleep and sailed to the land of dreams, she thought that it was only imagination, which never hurt anyone. _As if_ it will really happen in Real Life anyway. It's only because she wants to fall into sleep. It will not affect reality as long as she knows to not let the delusions control her, to always draw a clear line between fact and fancy.

(Or so she thinks.)

#

Tomoki went home that night at 11. His father isn't home, his mother sleeps early. He knows that only one other person is awake now... Tomoko, staying up late online again, since the light to her room was on. It has been a terrible day. They won a game, and he only wanted to go home and rest, but people kept bothering him. They wanted to talk to him, to ask him questions, and his cheeks now hurt from smiling for all the people who asked to take a picture with them. Normally, he'd feel at ease with his friends, but now he felt so drained and numb. He didn't like it at all but kept it inside.

What was his sister up to? He didn't see her most of the day, but when the game ended he saw her on some building's window, smiling at him. In that brief glimpse, Tomoki saw an expression he doesn't see all the time on his sister. It seemed as if she was glad for him, that they won...

He went to his room and lay in bed, thought of nothing, staring at his dreary ceiling, just waiting for sleep to drown him. If he's lucky, he'll get more than three hours of sleep. Lately, though, it's been less. A sleep-deprived mind is a sedated state, and it's been like he has been a walking zombie for days. He began to think of this insomnia as a person. Mister Insomnia is a new buddy of mine, he only comes late at night and we chat until 2 AM.

Thank fortune that they won, because tomorrow the players can be excused from class to rest. And so he and a new imaginary friend, Insomnia, kept silent for awhile. He'd go away soon, and leave him to sleep. Sometimes, he'd like to sleep forever.

Then, he remembered all the food their class gave him – ice cream sundae and strawberry chocolate cheesecake. Since he'd hate it to spoil, and he's pretty sure his sister is awake anyway, he decided to get up and invite her to eat. She likes midnight snacks, and sometimes when she wakes him up to accompany her to the bathroom they end up eating anything from the fridge. They both suffer from lack of sleep.

Tomoki opened the door to her room, and the light from the hallway outside cast a bright light to her darkened room. He caught her near sleep and half naked on her bed, a hand inside her underwear. When she saw him, she jolted in surprise and covered herself.

Well, Tomoki didn't want to see his older sister... get in touch with her inner self. At least he didn't see her in the throes of whatever it was she was doing, that would've made it worse. He pretended he didn't see it, he didn't want to make a big deal of it, and simply spoke. "There's ice-cream sundae downstairs. And cake. It won't taste good if you'll wait for tomorrow," he said, and left to go downstairs.

#

On Tomoko's part, however, she thought that it might be cosmic coincidence that made the very object of her thoughts that moment appear at her door. Of all things, she forgot to lock her door, and Tomoki didn't even bother to knock. He saw her in a rather embarrassing position, and announced that there was ice cream downstairs. If he was surprised at seeing her that way, he didn't show it. It was three in the morning, and she looked at the mirror. Some part of her, wondered if she had looked quite desirable when he saw her. Didn't some people like watching other people do it to themselves?

She looked at the mirror, then realized she looked so _ugly_. Her hair was in disarray, dried saliva crusted around her lips, her face looked pale and shapeless, eyebags making her look older than her seventeen years. She was only wearing her plain supermarket underwear and a loose black shirt that almost reached her knees with some rock band's logo, skeletons riding on flaming motorcycles. She didn't bother to wear more. Being caught like that shouldn't be a big deal anyway. It was only her brother, who was already used to her.

Who couldn't resist ice cream? So she went down to the kitchen, where Tomoki was taking the cake box and the plastic cups with ice cream from the fridge – vanilla drizzled in caramel syrup, chocolate chips, and candy sprinkles. She got plates and cutlery, and they both sat on the dining table, they began to eat. Tomoko ate almost all of the pink, strawberry-flavored cake. Tomoki only ate the ice cream and watched her eat. Tomoko whispered thanks to him after they were done with eating, and in silence they retreated to their own rooms to sleep.

#

February came. She didn't realize it until she saw red cut-out hearts everywhere, stores selling stuffed toys and candy packaged with Valentine greetings. _Shit, another holiday that capitalists will exploit, only used by companies to sell their products and making us all materialists and wanting more money to buy things. Love hotels would be full with sluts fucking their boyfriends they'll leave for another anyway_, she thought as she walked past some bulletin board in the hallway decorated with moe cupids holding cardboard bows and arrows poised to pierce paper hearts.

After the last class, there was another homeroom meeting, where she usually keeps quiet in her seat. Their smiling class president, some girl wearing glasses, was slightly clapping her hands in this trying-to-be-cute way.

"Classmates! I'm happy to announce that our first prom will be two weeks from now, on Friday night! Boys and girls are free to bring their own dates, or ask someone out in the classroom!" She announced, and the girls squealed in excitement while most of the boys grumbled and sighed.

In her seat, Tomoko was shaking. _No way I'm attending that shit. I'll play sick_. But then, as her classmates began to talk about plans, dates, dresses, and after-parties, she drifted off in her own world. She imagines the most beautiful version of herself, whose entrance makes everyone gape. The suited guys and gowned girls would look at her in awe and think, "Why haven't we seen that girl before?" Boys dressed like gentlemen would line up for a chance to dance with her. They would kneel and...

"Hell, why don't you invite Tomoki Kuroki-kun?" whispered one of her slut seatmates to another chick.

"Hey, that's corrupting minors!" said another, and they all giggled, and Tomoko had a sudden urge to throw her table at them. It was her damn brother again... Then the pencil she was holding was trembling from the grasp of her sweaty, shaking hands until her clenched fist broke it in two, and the girls heard it snap and they stopped laughing and looked at her.

"You alright, Kuroki-san?"

Then they looked at each other. Then Tomoko answered, trying to hide her hate, "I-I'm f-fine."

The girl looked like an imaginary light bulb lit up in her mind. "Wait, Kuroki-san, can I ask a question? Do you happen to be related to Kuroki-kun the soccer player from the second year?"

"H-He's my brother, actually," she managed to stammer an answer even if she only wanted to stab her pencil into this girl's eye. Her anger and nervousness were mixing, making her dizzy, she might have to puke in the toilet again later.

"Oh well, then we can ask you to ask him if he's available for a date! Is he single or not?" the girl asked playfully. Well, at least she was in a normal conversation with a group of girls now, but the subject happens to be not her.

"I'm not sure." That was her first straight answer without stuttering.

"Well then, tell us if he says yes!"

"I-I g-guess so..." she said, and the group's attention on her disappeared as they got engaged in another topic, about their hairstyles and make-up. Fucking bitches. Tomoko didn't imagine herself as a prom queen vixen anymore, she dreamed of burning her school with telekenesis ala _Carrie_.

Then, while going out of her classroom to leave for home, she saw her brother walking off alone. He might have noticed her, but he doesn't like her anyway. So she went to the mall for the afternoon, careful to avoid places her classmates might go to after class. She wandered around stores selling gowns... and on display, on a tiny mannequin for a kid girl's dress, she fell in love at first sight at the dress she saw.

It was green, made of cloth the color of emeralds and aquamarine. The upper part was silk, velvet sleeves off the shoulders and the smooth curve on the chest highlighting the hollow of the doll mannequin's collar bone. The skirt reached the floor, and it was embroidered and painted with a dense foliage design which reminds her of dark forests: vines curling and curving, growing with chartreuse-colored paisley leaves and milk-green budding roses, imaginary plants that seem alive, glittering beads and sequins against dark green silk.

It would look great with her green eyes. She looked at the tag prize, and took a picture of it on her phone before she went home.

#

That night, she dreamed. She entered a ball, in a wide open space in the middle of a forest of beautiful nightmares. Masked waiters carrying trays of food and wine nod and bow at her, and a tuxedoed host came out of nowhere and held her by the arm as if he was an old friend, leading her to the seeming endless dance floor with countless couples dipping and dancing to strange music. Up on the sky was a full moon so big and bright, like it was there for the sake of lighting up this party.

"I have to say, dear lady, that you look fabulous, and the green dress goes very well with your pretty eyes," the man said, and Tomoko looked down and saw that she was wearing that dress. Except that the designs were moving, plants shivering in a cold night wind, the flowers blooming full on the cloth as she moved, beaded dew glittering on dense dark embroidered leaves. Real vines were braceleting her arms, slithering smooth stems of leaves and tiny, dark red roses.

"Thank you," she replied, and her voice was smooth and elegant, like she was speaking through another mouth. They passed by marble fountains overflowing with drinks: one bubbling with sparkling champagne, another with blood-red wine, some spewing foaming golden beer or amber-colored rum. Small and drunken gargoyle-faced imps dance and fall around with their tiny glasses filled with drink. The host led her to a special seat, a bonsai tree-chair growing out of the ground itself and shaped like a throne. She sat, and seat of the chair adjusted itself to make her more comfortable. A similar chair was next to her, but empty of an occupant. From here, she can watch the dance. The masked couples bow and smile at her as they pass, the pairs moving around in a circle.

Here, she watches closer, at the dancing women. One was a pale girl in a white lace dress, and Tomoko looked closer and realized it was made of the most delicate spiderwebs silken against her skin, upon her white pearl-shine blonde hair were crawling silver tarantulas for ornaments, and a quartz crescent on her forehead. She disappeared among the swirling couples. Another woman had four arms and blue skin of some Hindu divinity. Her red eye-shadow and lipstick was bright against her skin color, and Tomoko realized it was fresh blood. She wore nothing except a short skirt made of leathered human skin, and a brassiere made of dismembered human hands designed to cup and cover her breasts. Tomoko had entered faerie party, but it was the women who stood out, all the men were masked and wore identical suits.

Then, the crowd in front of her began to part, and a tall masked man was walking through the path between them to her. He was wearing a black suit, and a mask made of oak leaves covering his eyes and caressing his cheeks.. The mask had two wooden branches that seem like two horns upon the young man's forehead. The mask's eye slits showed narrow eyes the color of dark green pine. His hair was black, like hers. She can see his wry, amused smile as he walked toward her. Then he bowed, knelt on one knee and offered his hand – a silent way of asking her to dance. She placed her hand on his.

She was carried to the dance floor, floating and in some miraculous way knowing the steps, with a skilful dancer carrying her along in a slow waltz.

Then, the music stopped.

The couples fell to the ground, clothes shucked off like snakes shedding skin, the men in fine suits were actually devils. Everyone drunken laughing and kissing, naked and writhing on the grass, and the party turned out to be a faerie _orgy_. She and her partner were the only ones standing, still in position before a tango. He led her down, and down the forest floor she fell, hypnotized by his eyes as she lay and spread her legs and opened her mouth... she took off the mask of her would-be lover for tonight, and saw the face of her brother smiling.

"What the goddamned _fuck?!_" She screamed, and woke up. She sat on her bed, covered her own face with her hands, feeling sort of ashamed. Now the dreams were even weirder. She guessed that her unconscious was making up strange images from her inappropriate thoughts about her brother. She told herself to stop thinking such sick shit.

She'll stop thinking sick shit.

#

The next school day, she decided to buy that gown with all her savings. She went to the store, and it fit just right. Even if she doesn't end up going to a silly school ceremony, at least she now owns a great dress. She tied her hair to a stylish bun, and liking what she saw in the mirror, she went down and showed it to her mom.

"That looks really nice!" her mom said, smiling at her while she was cooking in the kitchen.

"It's supposed to be for prom, but the problem is, I've got a gown but no one to go with me. Its next Friday. Does it really look nice?"

"You look fine! It's your first prom, it won't repeat again and you're only seventeen once. If you've got no date, that's no problem, I'll convince your brother to go with you."

"As if he'll agree." Tomoko sighed. She felt that it would only lead to nothing. She's already prepared an excuse, to act like she has a headache to prevent her from going. She's already pretty sure that her brother wouldn't agree to it anyway.

"I assure you he will."

_End_

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AN: Imagine that the green prom dress looks like Anna's during the coronation in the movie _Frozen_. To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Night of your Life**

AN: Thanks to those who commented for the encouragement... DarkAngel-Luv, Darkzuryan, Calico Neko, Altrog, and Dandelion Lies (who drew a fine piece of art for chapter 1, used as this story's cover pic. The link to the full image is on my profile. Check it out!).

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_It's the night you'll always remember. Or wish you could forget._

* * *

"What do you think of when you masturbate?" His sister asked, never bothering to knock, just surprised him with that stupid question like what she did when she asked him to show her his dick.

"I think of income tax returns and my assignments. I think of government corruption in third-world countries, social issues... Why the hell are you asking that, just get out, and what the hell do _you _think of when you do it anyway? No thanks, shut up and don't answer, I actually don't want to know..." Tomoki rambled as he was sitting and writing notes, wanting to focus on his homework. He only wanted to be left alone, not disturbed by someone who went to his room every hour or so.

"I think of you," Tomoko whispered to herself, and then was suddenly shocked that she said _that _out loud. She totally didn't mean it.

By the next second, she was already kicked out of his room and he had thrown some of his heavy old textbooks out with her. She was lucky she dodged them.

"Creep!" Tomoki said, slamming his door close, the clicking of the lock too loud, as if he was emphasizing his point of not making her go in again.

#

"Hey Mom, have you asked Tomoki about it? What did he say?" Tomoko asked while chewing on her toast for breakfast. Her mom was watching the morning news.

"Oh, I forgot about it. Why don't you ask him yourself?" Her mother said, smiling as if the matter wasn't a big deal.

"But you know him... he doesn't like me much. He'll agree if you're the one who tells him."

"Don't let that bother you. Well, if you really can't, I'll ask him. But I think he won't bite..."

"Huh, if you only knew..." Now, with that stupid question from last night, she wondered if her brother will ever agree.

#

The surprise wasn't that her brother disagreed, but that he _agreed_ when their mom asked him to go with her. It seemed that he found it amusing. The party theme was Mystery, so everyone was just going in with the masks of their choice. To Tomoko's shock, he was rather more interested in it than her. Of course, he didn't intend to stay for long, and even _planned _that they would disappear out the venue after the dinner.

"I'm gonna wear this plastic Spiderman mask," her brother said, and Tomoko snorted, since Tomoki hardly ever joked with her. They were both in his room, and he had on a ridiculous mask covering his face, something that looked like it was stolen from a kid's Halloween costume party.

"I'm gonna wear an ANBU mask," she said, pulling a thin plastic mask, white painted with red swirls with carved eyes, mouth, and pointed ears of a cat.

"So, the plan is, we just eat and run, steal some deserts, and hopefully escape teachers and guards and convince them that you're feeling sick. You have to puke to make it convincing, okay?" He said, and Tomoko nodded.

Tomoko had a photocopy of the layout of the venue, a guide for the students to know their seating arrangements. She marked their seats with a red pen and drew a route where they can exit the quickest without being noticed. After that, they'll go straight home. No fuss. That was the plan. For once, they both agreed on something.

They were wearing their best clothes, what they were supposed to wear for that night. Tomoki had on a classic black suit, and it fit on him fine. Tomoko found him quite attractive when he was dressed that way, it made him look better. (It made him look like a fine gentleman like in that freakish fairy dream, which she wanted to forget). She wore that dress, braided her hair and tried concealing her eye bags and bad skin with her mother's make-up.

Then, their mother knocked and opened the door. "It's time for lunch. Hey, you both look nice. We better take pictures! I'll go get a camera first..." she disappeared, then reappeared with a digital camera.

"Huh?" Tomoki said.

"Pose," their mother instructed, and both of them froze.

"Do you really need to do that?" Tomoki asked.

"Act like it's a photo shoot."

Then Tomoko leaned over him like she was going to kiss him, but he blocked her face with his arm in a martial-arts defense move. _Flash_. "Smile," their mother said, but on Tomoki it came out like a grimace, and Tomoko's face turned into a rape-face smile. _Flash._

"Uh... could you pose more like normal kids? There, sit on the floor, and look dreamily into each other's eyes or something," their mother said, and they both exclaimed together, "Why the hell are we going to do that!?" _Flash_. Their mother smiled at the picture, both of them screaming at the camera in anger.

"Wait. This room won't look good in the pictures. Why don't we go downstairs and take pictures in the garden? The orchids are blooming, and they'd look nice."

They followed her down, and their tiny garden did look like a better setting. Her mother took a piece of black ribbon, pinned fresh blooming rose buds and some leaves on it and tied it on her wrist for a corsage. They sat in the grass, blooming pastel-colored flowers for their background. It was Tomoki who told her what to do.

"There, adjust your legs so the skirt will spread on the grass. Put your hand on my left shoulder so that the corsage can show up on the picture," he said, and placed her coil of braided hair over her chest, maybe so it can be seen in the picture.

To her surprise, Tomoki just so suddenly _smiled _at her in this sunny, amused way and held her hand, their fingers entwining. In that fraction of a moment, Tomoko forgot that it was for the picture and not for her at all, and it made her feel good too, and she smiled back. The illusion was destroyed with the loud click and flash of the camera. Then his smile turned to a sneer, like he was mocking himself for doing such a thing.

"Perfect!" their mom said, and showed them the result of that one fake moment. Both of them, smiling at each other like there was no tomorrow, hands clasped and the flower corsage on her wrist poised in the middle of the picture.

"Let's take another," their mother suggested.

"That's enough," Tomoki said, and was the first to stand up and go back inside.

She copied that picture from the camera and made it the desktop wallpaper of her PC. Her brother was a bastard, but it was a great picture. It was her only nice picture (the selfies she sometimes takes are just fail). _If I ever have a boyfriend I want him to smile at me just like that_. _A real smile, please._

#

The night came. They went to the fifteenth floor of a big hotel in the city, entered the venue purposely late along with other masked students. Their cheap masks were unremarkable compared to those of others, who chose bejeweled and expensive-looking masquerade masks. They only ended up taking off theirs, and still no one seemed to care even if their faces were shown. There were also quirkier students who wore fake animal heads: does, bears, tigers, and wild animals whose species they didn't know the names of. Some had weird hats and artsy masks with all kinds of unexpected designs. They all look like they had carefully planned their looks. Tomoki and Tomoko passed by the sidelines, trying their best to camouflage to the walls. It was only both of them who looked so cheap and unprepared, like they just woke up from sleep and slipped on formal-looking clothes.

Tomoko had thought her dress was great, but then realized hers was the only old-fashioned dress. Many girls had chosen designs inspired by cyberpunk and high-tech of modern fashion line runways, some dresses made of metal, glass, plastic, and mirrors. She did her hair in a simple bun and braided with tiny plastic red roses, but it was passé compared to the stylized neon wigs worn by most of the girls. They both looked so out of place in this science-fiction prom which looked like it might as well take place in another planet. Everyone else looked alien, while they looked like they were wearing tacky 1990s and being still on Earth was totally out of fashion.

They were only rather grateful, that with everyone admiring everyone else's clothes, they were not noticed at all. There was the flash of cameras everywhere as the boys and girls got their pictures taken in the red carpet, imagining they were Hollywood superstars. It is their night, anyway, and they all wanted to make the best of it... except for Tomoki and Tomoko, who looked more like haggard kidnappers or half-assed bank robbers trying to make themselves invisible.

Tomoko was quite overwhelmed, and even she can tell that Tomoki feels weird himself. They slipped past the laughing, excited crowds and tried to find their seats. Tomoki touched her bare shoulder and whispered close to her ear since the crowd was so loud, "Look at us, looking so out of place. I haven't seen this kind of clothes before. Good thing we're gonna get out soon anyway..."

They were the only occupants in this round dinner table near the exit, wallflowers in old costumes compared to the alien glamour of everyone else. They sat in silence through the programs and students from the older years presented their dances. There was some school rock band who sang, and another who did a dance number. Lights everywhere, and music, cheers, applause.

Dinner was delivered. They moved their masks aside to eat. Everyone was excited for the dance, which will occur later. For them, though, this was the signal to get away.

The plan: she'll go first to the girl's restroom, then after awhile Tomoki will sneak out, too. They'll meet by the fire exit stairs that lead to outside of the building, open the door to fresh night air, and leave by the narrow metal stairs that lead down. They'll go home and sleep. That was at least a more pleasant option than staying here, where everyone else's fun made her feel claustrophobic. Her bed and her dreams were much more preferable.

She went out first, and waited by the restroom. When she saw Tomoki open and disappear through the fire exit door near the boys' restroom, she waited for a moment to make sure no one can see, and slipped out the door herself. She went out, to the familiar noise and lights of the city. Tomoki was already running down, and she ran too, the wind blowing through her skirt. She imagined that she was a princess from a fairy tale, running away from a cruel castle to follow her saving prince. Tomoki was looking up from time to time, going down fifteen floors using stairs was quite a run. When they both reached the ground floor, they changed their formal shoes to sneakers they bought. They'd still have to walk to reach the train station so they can go back home.

Running quiet to the gate, they saw some guards and teachers smoking. Imagining themselves to be ninjas, they stealthily timed when they weren't looking and ran fast past the gate. Their relief was broken when they saw another gate, closed and locked. Now, going back and feigning Tomoko's sickness wasn't an option. So they both climbed up the railing of the wrought iron gate, and Tomoki was the first to jump off to the ground outside.

Tomoko's skirt got caught in a loop of barned wire, then they heard the footsteps of someone coming. Tomoko hurried down, but she couldn't get her skirt off.

"Just jump! I'll catch you," Tomoki whispered, and she did as he said, closed her eyes and heard the rip when the jump down made the skirt of her dress tear. She landed safe in his arms, and then she stood and they ran out again. They both sighed in relief when they finally got out. As they walked to the direction of the train station, Tomoko stopped.

"Tomoki, I really need to pee."

"You were in the girls CR earlier. Why didn't you do that there?"

"I was in a hurry. It's gonna get out. I'm gonna do it right there," she said, ran off and squatted in some dark end of a nearby alley they passed. Tomoki just sighed and followed her, stood there so no one passing by can see her.

#

"Done. Let's go home. Wait, see that?" Tomoko pointed to a carnival in a nearby amusement park. The sign outside said, _THIS IS OUR LAST NIGHT. FREE ADMISSION!_

They looked at each other, and decided to go in. There were few people, most are the carnival employees already disassembling the rides. The roller coaster which was once too high was now unbuilt, only the metal pieces of the structure left, gathered in a truck. The only ones open and working are the carousel and the Ferris wheel, still decorated with lights. A few parents still stayed with their kids riding on the fake horses of the rotating carousel, and on the Ferris wheel was still a few couples riding. This was only a small travelling amusement park, nothing compared to the more extravagant, popular parks in the cities.

"Here, take a picture of me while in the carousel," Tomoko said, handed her phone to Tomoki and ran to the carousel. She chose a white horse, and tucked her long skirt and it showed her in her sneakers. It was quite difficult for Tomoki to take her picture since it was moving, so even if Tomoko was trying hard to smile over there and look cute, the pictures still looked blurred. It was only when it slowed down, when Tomoko was already asleep on the fake horse, did the pictures went alright. Her sleeping face was much more okay than the previous ones. The carousel stopped. He walked near to her and told her to wake up.

"Let's go ride the Ferris wheel then go home," so they walked in, where they can see the outside from the glass window. As they ascended, they could gradually see the whole city below them. You can no longer see stars in the sky from too much light pollution, but the city at night seemed like stars on reverse, industrial constellations upon the ground. They can see it from here, lights from the buildings, illuminated billboards and advertisements, the street lights of the long branching highways along with the moving lights of cars travelling on the faraway roads, far below them.

They decided to stay until closing time, until they weren't allowed to stay anymore. They both sat in silence, just watching the city up above while the wheel turned, until the wheel went down and they finally were asked to step out by a tired girl working there.

"Excuse me, are you the prince?" said a tiny voice as soon as they walked out, and they both looked down at a cute lost boy looking at Tomoki. Tomoki smiled and kneeled down, as if he was going to humor the kid.

"Yes. I am a Prince of the Forest Kingdom. And this," he held Tomoko's hand and bowed, and Tomoko followed suit, did a small curtsey, "...is the princess."

The kid smiled, eyes going wide. "They said the park was closing and the actors are gone!"

"We're not part of this place. We're really from faraway! But don't let anyone know, okay?" Tomoki whispered, and Tomoko thought it was quite ridiculous. To her, kids are stupid and she didn't like them. It seemed that this side of Tomoki is something she hadn't known before, that he liked kids. Soon, Tomoki was laughing and joking with him about his imaginary kingdom. Tomoko only watched.

"Hey, put my brother down!" said an angry girl's voice, and there she was, a tiny girl in pigtails pulling at Tomoki's trousers.

"Nee-chan! He's a prince don't you know! He lives in the land of the Magic Faraway Tree!" said the little boy, who was quite content with being carried in Tomoki's arms and dreaming of Neverland.

"Princes don't exist! Now put my brother down or I'll tell the police that you're a kidnapper!"

"Here, here," Tomoki said, putting the boy down. "I was just playing with your little brother, okay?" Tomoki said, ruffling the girl's hair, who glared at him and held her brother fiercely.

A woman, their mother maybe, waved at them and smiled at Tomoko and Tomoki. The boy smiled and waved goodbye before they went out the closing park.

#

"Ah. That was better than staying there at that ridiculous prom, right? Those two kids... kinda reminds me of us before..." Tomoki said, out of the blue, smiling while waving goodbye at the boy who was still looking back at them.

"Yeah. It would've been better if I had a boyfriend to spend time with instead and stayed at the prom and had more fun..." Tomoko also said without thinking, and soon Tomoki rolled his eyes. Tomoko quickly wished she hadn't said that. If she can remember correctly, what Tomoki just said was the only time he implied that he liked her company. She hated her own mouth sometimes. It seemed that every time they would come close to being sincere, something from her mouth would ruin the moment.

Then, she realized this was the only time she could remember Tomoki even mentioned something about the way they were before. Those halcyon days of their younger years, when they were each other's whole world. Then the shadow of growing up came upon them and for some inexplicable reasons they just went on separate ways and... she just misses it so much. But then, her own pride takes over, and her irritation, resentment, and envy at her brother. What exactly happened that they aren't close anymore?

But there are times, like right now, when she can't help but wonder _what if_. If they had still been the same way. If he had continued loving her like that, she wouldn't ever had felt the need to become popular. Both of them, without anyone else, would have been enough. She wished, deep in her heart, that Tomoki felt the same. But being back to the way they were before is impossible. It's like willing ravens to turn white, for hell to freeze over, to wish cancer away. It just would not happen. This is what she thought as they walked, Tomoki ahead of her. The silence between them now had a heaviness that made her unable to say anything.

Before going home, they passed by a convenience store to buy food, Pocky and Meiji chocolate, and there was a stall selling cotton candy. They bought big ones, teal bubblegum flavor for Tomoki, and pink strawberry for Tomoko. They went to the station and rode on an almost empty train. Tomoko fell asleep sitting next to Tomoki, resting her cheek on his shoulder. She didn't seem to be aware of it, and Tomoki didn't mind.

#

They reached home, each to their own rooms. Tomoki stripped off the blazer, trousers, the black silk necktie, and changed to his sleeping clothes. In her own room, Tomoko couldn't stand the sight of her dress anymore, and it only irritated her to see her ripped skirt, hated herself for imagining good things about this night. She'd never felt more out of place than there, she regretted ever going there and wished she stayed home instead. Even if Tomoki had gone with her, she thought that he should have at least tried and helped her, would have had the same fun as everyone else.

Now she can't get the damn gown off, the zipper at the back got stuck. In her irritation at herself, the considered using scissors to cut it off her. Trying to calm down, her only choice was to ask her brother to help her undress. Opening the door to his room without greeting, she just sat on the floor near his bed.

"Help me with the zipper, will you," she said, and he sat from his bed and unzipped the dress at the back for her. Standing up to leave, the dress suddenly snapped off and fell, and she ended up half-standing, half-kneeling, naked save for her plain underwear.

Tomoki only looked at her, from her face to her feet to her face again, as if he was only judging her. He looked at her like she was so puny, and his expression had a slight hint of disgust.

Embarrassed but somehow unable to move to get her dress again, she thought, _shit, what if he thinks this was on purpose? This isn't! _Instead, in an awkward attempt to cover up, she ripped off her hair ornaments to make her hair fall. She picked up the dress.

Tomoki threw a spare shirt to her face.

* * *

_AN: For those who read Cicadas have no Memories, my other fic, you might remember the writing teacher from Tomoki's class. What she said about spontaneous writing is exactly how I write. __As much as I'd like to work on this story, RL work will be eating me for March. So it'd take a while for the next segments!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Stalker/Dreamer**

AN: Again includes dream sequences that don't have anything to do with anything.

* * *

Seeing his own sister naked, didn't alarm or surprise him. It only made him worried, as for a girl of seventeen Tomoko's body was still like a child's. She was too thin and too pale. Her breasts were flat against ribs showing through her skin, rib bones that he could feel if he touched her. Her stomach was hollow, her hips unshapely. Objectively, most girls his age had better bodies (all young girls' bodies his friends talked about...). She was almost painful to look at, with her that thin. This near, he can almost see the veins between her small breasts, blood vessels branching in light blue-green patterns through her arms under death-pale dry skin. His sister was kneeling on the floor and facing him, upon a green pool of silk and foamy dark chiffon cloth of her now useless prom dress. She pulled the ornaments off her head and let her hair down, and it fell, covering her face. Unfallen tears, from shame, welled on her red-veined eyes.

Tomoki got a spare black shirt from his backpack on the bed, threw it to her face, and she wore it.

Tomoki laughed, and Tomoko shot him a glare while pulling down the shirt over her head. "What's funny?" she asked.

"You were trying to cover up, as if you had anything _much _to hide..."

Tomoko rolled her eyes. "Flat-chested jokes are too old. They don't affect me at all," she said, but looked down on her own chest and felt a pang of disappointment, _why didn't it grow out yet?_ It only made Tomoki laugh more.

There was a long silence after that. They only looked at each other, then Tomoki lay down his own bed, his feet still on the floor. After minutes, she still stayed.

This looked like another night where Tomoko will sleep in his room. She usually sleeps on the floor. She does that sometimes, when she's scared from reading creepy stories on the net, when she wants to get infected when he gets sick, or on some rare nights where Tomoki can't figure out a reason. He allows her that, as long as she keeps quiet. It doesn't happen often, anyway.

He didn't expect what happened next. Tomoko held him by the legs, pressed her face against his knees, and whispered a request in an almost desperate, begging tone,

"Sleep with me."

"What the hell? Get your own mattress and sleep on the floor."

"I want to sleep with you."

"Don't tell me you mean..."

Hell.

On _her _part, she wanted something out of him. There was something else she wanted to say but couldn't express. She knows there's a good chance he'll ignore this anyway and drive her out of his room like what he always does. Now she regretted saying those silly, dumb pleadings just after the words came out of her mouth. She had wanted to feel better, to make the anxiety over this ridiculous event tonight over. Now, it was headed for worse. She was preparing herself to be kicked out from his room, but there was a tiny hope that her brother would let her...

She wasn't sure with what she wanted. Something like, _I want us to be like what we were before_. But she didn't want to seem that cheesy. She didn't understand her own feelings – she hated her brother's guts sometimes, but at the same time she wants to get close.

What made it worse was Tomoki, who wasn't moving or saying anything, as if he was only letting her embarrass herself in front of him. She didn't want to, and didn't intend herself to, but involuntary tears from prolonged shame fell from her eyes. She tried to tell her tears to stop, it made her look stupid. She wished for time to turn back, to take back the words to her mouth where they could stay unspoken.

#

This close, it was easy to kick her to the open door and out of his room. There was something wet on the skin of his knees. Tears? There was no handkerchief or tissue paper nearby, the only thing near he can use to wipe it off his skin was the black silk necktie from the suit he had worn earlier. It was there, a narrow shadow draped over his chair, next to his bed. He took it, and slipped it beneath her forehead pressed on him, slipped it lower to cover her eyes. On a whim, he knotted it tight, blindfolding her.

"Stop crying on me," he said to her.

Tomoko touched the necktie tied to her eyes.

"What's this? You have a blindfold fetish or something?" Her voice was trembling and weak, but he could hear there was a hint of anticipation there.

Out of nowhere: he began to feel the first stirrings of excitement; he had an inkling of attraction to what potentially could be forbidden, given that they were siblings. He shoved her face down the sheets instead, and said in an unfeeling tone,

"You said you wanted to sleep with me. Then _lie down_," he said, and his sister was feeling her way around his bed because of the blindfold, hands wandering over his sheets and pillows, then settled herself and lay down the middle of his bed. Tomoki felt that she looked unsure and doubtful, but she followed his words.

He didn't know until _then_, that those things thrilled him, the sight of someone so annoying and irritating like his sister now silent on his bed. He had wound a black silk tie on her head to cover her eyes. Her lips slightly open as if this was all a mild shock to her, like she's wondering what will happen next, but she's keeping her breath silent. She had nothing on but his shirt, and her underwear. Her legs were clamped together and he flipped one knee aside with a soft tap with a finger, and it excited him how easily her legs silently snap apart. He didn't know until then that he liked the feeling of control, and Tomoko was letting him do this of her own will. That she had allowed him this, even if she was the older of them. She had submitted to him, in her own small way, and he realized that...

He can do anything he wants. And Tomoko would want it too; she may even ask for it, he can make her beg for it.

But... he didn't know what to do with another body _exactly_. His own hands were shaking, he himself was unsure.

"Don't make a sound. If you say anything or make any noise, I will stop." He articulated every syllable, like a threat and warning. He faked that apathetic tone, but inside, his heart was threatening to beat its way out of his chest. He never felt this before except during soccer games, the trembling excitement that drummed through his system like a kind of high.

His sister responded with a slight nod, head slowly stretching back, revealing/offering her neck. Tomoki touched it, noted the fast pulse, the blood streaming past veins. His fingers moved straight to the space above her heart, where the beats were even faster, like fast drumming sounds with no spaces in between. He slid his hand under her shirt and stroked, touched, caressed. He pressed his lips to her neck, not kissing but only feeling. For a few moments, since he was clueless, this was what he did.

Just simple touches, but it made her arch her back and push her hips up. He moved and straddled them, sat on her legs to keep her from moving, and in this silence the sound of their clothes against the bed sheets were loud. He thought, _If she can react like that at little things like this, how would she react if I did more?_

But his own heart was racing so fast, he felt it might outrun him.

And he decided to stop.

...and forced himself away from these feelings, since he had no clue what to do next anyway. He didn't want her to feel that he was nervous. He stopped, and instead took his sister's words for their literal meaning. He could give her this instead: to simply, _sleep_ together for now. Then, like a gift bestowed, the promise of deep sleep overwhelmed him, and he tucked his sister's body near him, pretended she was another pillow, and held her as he slept.

#

Darkness. All sensation from her eyes to her skin. A hand flicked her knee aside, she felt like a puppet and spread her legs with no shame or question. For the first time, hands not her own slipped beneath her shirt and caressed her skin, sending tiny electric shocks through her spine and making her skin tingle. The sensations increased even more when soft, thin lips ran slowly through the delicate, sensitive skin between her neck and right shoulder, and how she wanted to cry out then for him to stop teasing her like that and get it over with and kiss her. Her skin was so starved to be touched, every caress was overwhelming torture but she wants it to overtake her.

Pleasure shot through her, inexplicably, and her body leaned towards him, wanting to touch him back in any way. Legs gave in, moving up, and she was stopped by the heavy weight of her brother sitting on her.

This was nothing like what she ever imagined. This was better than anything she could think of.

Then, as abruptly as it began, he stopped. Tomoko felt his arm pull her to him, another arm curling against her in an embrace, and her brother simply _held _her.

She waited. Tomoko thought that they would go so far, but now her brother was breathing deep and already asleep. She didn't take off the blindfold over her eyes yet, tied there by Tomoki. She was touched, and she's never felt anything like it before.

Tomoki stopped. She felt relief but at the same time despair – it felt like her heart was near exploding, and if Tomoki had done more than that her heart might combust or something. But then, if it had, what could've happened then? Now, he was holding her, embracing her, and it felt that it was all that mattered. The last time they had slept like this together when they were children, so many years ago.

Even then, her heart was pounding. She had forgotten how good and safe it felt. Once, even a short hug from a stranger, a mascot in a school fair – it made her whole week feel good even if she was alone. But this one wasn't some random person, this was her brother, and this will last as long as they slept in his bed and as long as he wants to. He smells so clean this near, like soap and warm water, that she felt that she was the one defiling him with her own reek of sweat. She felt... giddy and it was hard to sleep. For so long, she had wished for someone to simply _hold _her. But _this_, this amazing thing has been waiting for her all along, and all she ever had to do was _ask_ him.

She almost squirmed in delight, but then calmed herself since Tomoki might wake and be in the mood to throw her out. So, Tomoko took off the silk cloth covering her eyes, and saw Tomoki's sleeping face, he looked so peaceful and sweet that she wanted to kiss him goodnight like how she used to when they were kids. But then again she doesn't want to do stupid things lest he'll wake and hate it or lash out and stop this. So instead she tried to remember, all the details of this moment since it might not happen again: Tomoki's breathing, his warmth, the arms around her, the feeling that nothing can hurt her. Even while she was trying to enjoy it, she already feels sad that it might as well be the last time. Then by the next night, she'll be alone in her cold bed and this safe warmth will be another memory, another fantasy.

_If this keeps on going on I might just fall in love with him over something this small. _

Then she remembers that there was nothing special about this at all, only that after so long they are sleeping like this again. They only stopped sleeping in the same bed when Tomoki was near ten and decided to sleep in his own room.

Flashback. She was ten, he was nine...

#

"Tomoki, if you don't clean up your own mess I'm gonna make you sleep with Mom again!" Tomoko scolded her brother, who left broken cicada shells, toy cars, crayons, and scattered paper with drawings on their bed. He was running the cars over the cicadas, and the insect skins run over by the tiny cars were crushed.

"But nee-chan, I'm tired."

"Tired from what? You've only been playing the whole afternoon."

"Nee-chan, please? You always clean it for me anyway..."

"Tch. Okay," Tomoko said, deciding to clean it and fix their bed. Tomoki was already trying to sleep. After cleaning and turning off the lights, she laid down and was attacked by Tomoki with a fierce hug.

"Hey, not so tight! I can't breathe!" she said, and Tomoki only giggled and kissed her cheek, her lips. It was how her brother kissed her goodnight, before they slept, sharing the same pillow and blanket. She was kissed again, this time his tongue shyly slipped inside her mouth. In her surprise, Tomoko pushed him away.

"Ew!" Tomoko said, and wiped her lips.

"What's wrong, nee-chan? Isn't that how people who love each other kiss?" Tomoki said, looking hurt since she pushed him away.

"Where are you getting those ideas, Tomoki?"

"Um. On TV. Nee-chan didn't like it?" he asked, and he looked like a rejected puppy.

Tomoko sighed. "That's different from us. They're, you know, maybe... boyfriend and girlfriend or married. That's different from me and you."

"Nee-chan, is there a difference? I can't understand... but I'm sorry if you didn't like it and I won't do it again."

"It's different from being a brother and sister."

"But nee-chan, there's nothing in the world I love more than you." To Tomoko, typical brother talk when he wants to flatter her. Or when she cleans up his mess. He's said it so much, for years, that she started thinking it was empty and forced.

Without thinking, Tomoko answered, "And someday you'll hate me as much as you love me now."

"Don't say that, nee-chan. Maybe you're the one who will, but I won't, not ever..." Tomoki said, now speaking slurred, eyes half-closed and near sleep.

"Goodnight, otouto," Tomoko whispered, kissed him softly on the lips, a silent apology for hurting him earlier. She wrapped her arms around him and he hugged her back, and something tells her this won't last too long.

#

The next nights, Tomoki didn't hug her or kiss her goodnight. She only thought he might be tired. Tomoki went to their room when she was already asleep, and left by the time she wakes. This continued for a week until one night, Tomoko tried to hold him, but he pushed her away.

"What's wrong?"

"Stop touching me," he said.

"What's wrong _with you_?"

"I'm sick of your face."

"Where did you learn to talk like that? Since you got new friends now you're so full of yourself."

"I thought for myself."

"And a few days ago you were telling me..."

"I was lying."

"Get out. Don't sleep here anymore. You're pissing me off," she said. And Tomoki willingly went out without a word or even looking back.

The door to the next room slammed close with finality. His telltale warmth on the empty space next to her, his lingering smell, made tears well on her eyes. What did she do wrong this time? She thought that it was only for that night, but Tomoki never came back for the next night. Or the night after that. Or ever again.

End of flashback.

#

_Sunlight?_

She opens her eyes and sees a pale, diluted green sky, the tinge of healing bruises. Light, lilac clouds streaked the sky. This was a sky of another world. She wondered if she was transported while sleeping in some mysterious way.

An arm draped over her fell to her stomach as she sat up. Her brother was sleeping beside her. They were lying on a field of crimson poppies. She recalled a foreign fairy tale she forgot the title of, something with a yellow brick road leading to an Emerald City. She saw a lone, faraway sun that was nothing more than a pinpoint radiating muted light. Far away, she could see a pair of tall animals with black fur that looked like a mixture of a wolf, a boar, and a bear, walking on its long stilty legs, grazing and chewing on the red flowers. She looks around, and beyond the endless field of red was a wilderness of black, leafless trees.

She has looked on what's in front of her that she missed the soft voices calling her name behind her. Her brother was still sleeping, and here, there is no dark under his eyes and there is no school to bother about tomorrow.

"Tomoko," said the lilting female voices. She looked back, and there were the girls from another party, in another dream. The girl, with white pearl-blonde hair, was smiling at her with canine teeth. They all looked normal, wearing plain white dresses, sitting with feet bare on the green and red ground. Another girl, the one with four arms, the blue paint of her previous costume now scoured clean, revealing her tanned skin beneath. She was carrying each on her four hands: a knife, a tray of alien fruit that looked like grey pears, a plate with a black loaf, a dish made of tongues and eyeballs. She lay it down on the ground, and there are other girls around that she didn't recognize, since they were probably masked then.

The girl with white hair grinned at her with yellow fangs, and held an apple for her to eat. It was red, a scarlet shade so rich, bulging with temptation. The fruit moved, as if it was slowly breathing. She touched it, and it beat like a heart. Blood-colored juice swelled like droplets from the skin. It looked like a promise, like it will taste like everything she ever wanted, she'll never be hungry again. She opened her mouth, and the girl grinned wider, eager to feed her.

She was about to close her mouth on it, about to clamp her teeth, chew, and swallow it down... then she remembers, _never to eat food offered from hell, or you will never go back home again_. Isn't that the rule of fairy worlds? Wonderland, Oz, all the names for _Hades_? Now, where did all that silly logic come from? What even is this place? That isn't how the real world works, unless she has gone mad or if this was a dream. _Then this is a dream_.

Dreams stop when you realize they're dreams.

This is a dream, she tells herself. Nothing to be afraid of. _Wake up._

#

She woke for real, the red poppies fading to a blur of indigo, then back to the blue of her brother's bed sheets. She was alone. He has probably left for practice. She recalled a dream, a field of red flowers under a pale green sky. Her brother did something strange last night. Tomoko wondered if that was a dream too, but then draped next to her head was a black silk necktie. She recalled Tomoki used it to cover her eyes.

Damn.

Forget about the silly prom, but after that – all those things from last night.

She wants that to happen again.

* * *

..._to be continued. Even if I'm writing I'm also asking myself 'WTF is this?__'._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Special Needs**

AN: Just a short, extra, 'slice-of-life' chapter.

* * *

"I think that guy likes you," Tomoko said to Kotomi, who again dismissed the greetings of one boy with auburn hair and a nice smile who kept on borrowing and returning books, asking Kotomi what's new, what to borrow, what would she recommend for him to read? Kotomi kept on showing her irritation, never smiling back. She only answered him with terse commands that he himself look at the new arrivals shelf or the library catalog on the computer.

"Well, I don't like him. I find him annoying. What do you know about liking people anyway," she said, trying to avoid talking to Tomoko before this but she had no choice but answer.

"You're even lucky to have the attention. You know you've no chance with my foolish little brother."

Kotomi grit her teeth. One time she almost choked this girl when she made fun of her crush on Tomoki. A girl she wouldn't even talk to or even look at when she wasn't Yuu's friend, or Tomoki's sister. Not to mention all the embarrassing things about Kotomi she's said when Tomoki was around. Kotomi is still bitter over that. But then she tolerates her around, if not for her she wouldn't know a thing about Tomoki, who was still a mystery to her. She believed she loved him, it was the kind of unrequited crush a girl might feel at least once in her life, and the distance and impossibility of one's object of affection only makes the infatuated hopeful. It seemed that the more painful or unattainable the love, the more it seemed to arouse the hopelessness of hopeless romantics. Well, no one ever got what they want. It was the same story all over again: Boy likes girl, but girl likes another guy who doesn't love her back.

"Goodbye and thanks, Komiyama-san!" said the guy again who was now about to leave the library. To Tomoko, he was kind of cute.

"Hn," said Kotomi, and a young woman walked in the door. She was carrying a large, packaged box and placed it on Kotomi's table.

"New books we bought," she said with a smile. "Thank you, Kotomi-chan! It's the end of your duty for now. And next time, be more kind to library users, okay? Or they won't be encouraged to come back here."

"Fine, ma'am. It's just that, that guy always wants more attention that I can't help other students," Kotomi said, and got her own bag to leave the library. "Goodbye, I'm still going to watch the football team practice."

"Bye!"

Tomoko followed her out. "Who's that?" she asked.

"She's the part-time librarian, who's also the literature teacher. I'm just a student assistant."

"Where you heading? To watch my brother again?"

Kotomi didn't answer, she only continued walking and ignored Tomoko in the hopes that she'd leave. Once outside, they sat on the bleachers near the field, together with other students watching. Kotomi chose a corner in the front seats, most were crowded on the upper benches for a better view of the practice game. Tomoko sat beside her without a word. The after-school sunlight from the setting sun was making everything look saturated, sepia-golden, yellow-orange.

There he was, who Kotomi was looking for, Tomoki. He kicked the ball and ran like hell, while the defensive team tried to block him. She always liked to look at how he ran and the expressions on his face. Right now he's got that smirk that says, _even if how all of you try, none of you can outrun me. _It never fails to make her heart skip a beat, and maybe that's why all the girls are watching just to watch him smile since he never does outside the game.

She never really paid attention to the game, her eyes were focused on him. She never saw anyone else or cared about the cheering students, they turned to a blur and their sounds were muted, she saw only him.

Soon, the game was over, the boys carrying Tomoki up in the air, and him laughing and what a sound that was, he looked like first prize, the champion.

Somewhere there, their pretty boy Team Captain with a tooth-paste commercial grin, spiked black hair, and tanned skin draped an arm around Tomoki's shoulders and said, "I'm lucky to have such a cute boyfriend." Out of nowhere, he kissed Tomoki in front of everyone, and the boys howled, cheered, laughed in hysterics. Girls squealed.

Kotomi can almost hear her heart shatter. They were kissing like they lived for it, and of all things... the love of her life was kissing back.

"So he isn't a siscon after all. He just likes guys," Tomoko said like it was a fact. Kotomi left her without saying goodbye.

#

After everyone has left, Tomoko still sat and watched the empty field. She didn't understand the language of football, didn't take time to learn the game's vocabulary of offensive, defensive, goal keepers, defenders, fielders, strikers. All she knows is the ball must hit the target. She didn't understand it.

She had been so nervous about watching before, scared of others, but now it was curiosity that made her watch. This was the first time she watched her brother play, and the cheers didn't bother her now. Tomoki's team won, and all the boys flocked around Tomoki like they were a pack, a tribe. Tomoki smiled, looking like he was feeling great and having the time of his life, surrounded by his team. It was a feeling foreign to Tomoko, and she can't help but feel envy.

When she saw her brother kiss another boy, she only felt mild curiosity. (To think, until now the only person she ever kissed was Tomoki. Now there he was, handing out kisses to others for free).

It was almost evening, the sky already blue. She was looking at her own shoes, and saw the long shadow of another person touch her feet. She looked up and saw her brother.

"Let's go home," Tomoki said, and she nodded. They walked, him in front of her, and there is always a distance between them. They reached the street outside school when Tomoki turned around and waved, in a gesture for her to go away.

"Hey, take a few more steps back so people won't know we're siblings," Tomoki said, and before she could answer him, Tomoki's friends flocked near him. _So that's why he wanted me to go away._

"Tomoki! We're going to eat dinner somewhere. Wanna go with us?" asked one cheerful-looking guy she always sees with Tomoki in his class.

"Sorry guys, but I'm going home. I need to catch up with sleep."

"Man, whatr'e you up to? You're not going with us as much now. You have a girl to spend time with instead of us?"

"What girl? I gave Tomoki his first kiss," pretty boy Team Captain said, holding Tomoki by the shoulders in an attempt to kiss him again, but Tomoki shoved his face away.

"That wasn't my first kiss."

"Oh, there's something you haven't talked to us about! Then with who?"

"With my sister, fucker! Stop it! Don't you have a girlfriend?" Tomoki said, shoving the boy's face away from him, who was insistent about kissing him again.

"And I felt like you liked it earlier just after the game, right?" The boy winked at him.

"It was only because we won," Tomoki answered.

"Is that her?"

"Who?"

"Your sister? It's obvious, you kinda look alike. Why didn't you tell us you had a younger sister? Hello, Tomoki's little sister!"

"She's my older sister. Older than me by a year," Tomoki said without looking at his sister. Tomoko managed to smile at them (a smile that she hopes doesn't look creepy).

"_Older _sister? Bye then, nee-chan!" They all waved goodbye at her. Tomoki sneered, Tomoko waved back at them.

They kept quiet the rest of the way, to the train ride home, then the short walk in their village home.

"Hey Tomoki, about last night..." she said to him, as he opened the gate with his key.

"Forget it," he said without looking at her. Tomoko could hear something harsh in his dismissal, then he glanced at her with hate. His expression showed what those two words meant, _Stop hoping it'll happen again or lead to something more._

Tomoko felt like she was slapped in the face.

#

After that, she wonders how she might make what she wants to happen occur again. How would she approach him? Saying "Hey, let's make out" would sound weird. What happened then was probably only caused by their exhaustion, both of them hating that event and wished they went home instead. Was he doing it because he felt he owed her a favor? Did he feel the same as her _then_?

Her brother's last comment, telling her to forget it all hurt her like salt rubbed on a bleeding wound. How could he? Saying _forget it _when she _can't_? How can she forget something like that? It isn't like memory is a piece of paper she can throw out her mind like trash, or a thought she can discard from her brain any time she wants.

_Forget it_. Two words that was so simple yet so difficult to do. Her mind was naturally obsessive and over thinking. Maybe this was only another incident when she mistook someone's feelings for her.

Like that time she thought guys wanted her when they only actually wanted to tell her that ants were crawling all over her. Wasn't at that time she also thought that Tomoki got the hots for her when she wasn't hot at all but only dirty and greasy? To think that she even thought that, _Even my younger brother can't resist me!_ But then, it turned out that...

She's the one who had the hots for him.

No. Just no.

What had happened didn't last for more than a few minutes, but nothing had replayed in her head more. Her skin shivers at the thought of them sharing a bed, at the memory of Tomoki holding her. Her mind kept on thinking of possibilities, and kept hoping on the unlikeliest one of them all:

Did Tomoki... want her and was only denying his own feelings?

No. Yes. Maybe. No, of course not. Then why would he do that if not? But why is he acting so cold again today? Dismissing her just like that? But he went to her that afternoon after the game, they went home together, and she was unintentionally introduced to his friends.

He's said something sounding affectionate towards her – about her being his first kiss. And that triggers another run of memories of all the time they ever kissed, of every time he's said he loved her and wanted to be with her forever. She wished the barrage of thoughts would stop, but her questions lead to more questions and anxiety. In the end, anger, that he might be playing with her mind, getting his ego flattered out of her following him. Maybe he was trying on an experiment, of how far he can make her gullible.

She only followed his every word. _Just tell me what you want and I will do them. I won't make a sound, I just want to feel those things again. _Now, where did those thoughts come from? All this because of. Two. Damn. Words.

_Forget it._

She was trying to make herself stop obsessing, stop thinking about it, but of course the results of that attempt is: she can think of nothing but it. How can something preoccupy a mind just so?

Why did he do that? Does he like her? Did he feel the same as her? Did he want her?

She tried to calm her doubts and questions, to stop her brain from obsessing. And went to a place she always goes to when her mind was full of questions no one could answer. The internet, of course. She typed 'incest' on Gaagle, and as she expected, there were all sites on manga scans, all hentai stories and doujinshi that featured wish-fulfillment fantasies of brothers and sisters screwing each other, all unrealistic situations that lead to sex and even more fantastical body proportions that real women don't have. Older brothers and younger sisters. Older sisters and younger brothers. Parents and their children. Sometimes both, sometimes all.

While she's reading and criticizing the stories in her mind, she didn't realize time passing, that in one sitting she's read through ten titles in a couple of hours. Time check: 9 PM. Usually, she'll catch herself at past 12.

It's always a weird time displacement, the internet. Browse, fall into the rabbit hole and you'll never realize you've already gone too far and you've wasted hours. The stories didn't make her feel anything, only disgust at herself. Now, imagining doing all those kinds of things with her brother was enough to make her puke.

Now, she felt like a desperate loser. Most likely, that's what he's thinking about her too. She felt like slime, like a dead slug stepped over and left to dry in the sun. She was the desperate one clamoring for touch and attention, and she feels so dirty, she felt like someone so perverted and unattractive that she's asking, begging for her brother to merely _touch _her.

If he wants her to forget it, then why'd he do it? Maybe to plant false hopes in her heart. Last night was the first time she felt safe, loved, in his arms. Yet by today he's back to being full of himself again.

She can show him that she doesn't care.

But still. She mustered her courage, and decided to go to his room again. She figured that the only thing that can help her get rid of the thoughts is the very person who started them.

#

Thinking about last night only made him cringe. That he felt those things and acted on them. That they've slept in the same bed, him holding her. To think, he was lying on the same pillow as where his sister laid down the other night. But thoughts have a way of rising out of nowhere with no control and he had no choice in what to think. It's not like he can make a deliberate choice to stop thinking about it then it will be gone just like that.

To think that he's touched her, and that he wanted it. He felt dirty and disgusted at himself, but even throughout classes and practice games these are the things that flash through his mind: his sister's willingness, her vulnerability.

He was trying to make himself stop obsessing, stop thinking about it, but of course the results of that attempt is: he can think of nothing but it. How can something preoccupy a mind just so?

Staring at his ceiling again, he remembered that the only time he got decent sleep in years was when he slept, in his bed, together with his sister. It has been long since that happened, long before, when they were children and there was nothing wrong with bathing together. When puberty came, what was once normal for children and siblings are already awkward and in a sense, forbidden. He thought of those restrictions. When you are a child all your concerns are playing and fairy tales. Growing up is scary, and being childish is looked down upon. He recalled all the silly moments when they still shared the same room, innocent kisses and shows of affection, until he decided he was ashamed, and stopped all that, and began sleeping in his own room.

It's not like its gonna happen again anyway. His sister was his sister and nothing more.

In his lack of sleep, he already can picture Mister Insomnia in the dark corner of his room. He was standing there, like a fact of life, and he imagined that he looked just like the blank, faceless white visage of Slenderman. Shadows of tendrils seemed to coil around his frame. Tomoki blinked, and in his sleepless state it seemed that he could really see it.

He's creeped out at himself for doing those things. He cringed at the thought that he had felt want, that he had touched her. Now, the ever-present problem was that she might ask him to do it with her again. What would he answer?

Then, as if on cue, the door opened. He forgot to lock it again.

#

Though nervous, she opened the door to his room with every intention of annoying him. She could act like how she always does before. She went in and sat on the floor as usual. Tomoki pretended she wasn't there. So, it looked like he intended ignoring her existence tonight.

"So, blindfolds? What's next? Handcuffs? Spankings? Tying people up? I didn't know you had it in you, to be into all kinds of kinky shit," she said.

"If you say it like that, it won't happen again. So shut up about it. Get out. I don't want to look at you, and I can't sleep, you're making it worse."

"I won't," Tomoko said. He had said, _if you say it like that, __it won't happen again_. So he... was also thinking of a next time all along. She still had a chance, it could happen again. His threat silenced her. She wanted it more than anything, of course, and for once she didn't argue. She felt it again, the slow excitement. Would they continue on from what they stopped from last night?

They had gone through this a thousand times. Tomoki scolds her to go away, she stays put. Now, she didn't know what to do or say, she thought it'd be easy, but its like she was faced with an impenetrable wall. Her tongue caught in her mouth, wanting to say something but she couldn't. After another long silence, Tomoki was the first to speak.

"You wanted something, right? If you want to sleep here, then get on the bed."

How could he read her mind like that?

As soon as she stepped nearer, he pulled her arms to him, to his bed.

"I'm only doing this because I slept better last night with you around."

He cradled her head in one arm, and Tomoko lay down on her side, head on his chest. Suddenly, all her thoughts tumbling about her mind disappeared. This was all it took to calm her. She smiled.

To Tomoki, all those things he thought before this made no sense anymore.

"We won't make out?," she asked. She closed her eyes, pursed her lips and leaned to him as if she was going to kiss him. Her lips met Tomoki's clenched fist, who then pushed it towards her face in a soft parody of a punch in the face. Then his fist was replaced by his lips, he still kissed her on the cheek and said, "Goodnight, nee-chan."

Tomoko blinked open at Tomoki's kissing her. But then, the damn guy was already snoring. Now what was she, a sleep aid? He slept at the expense of her sleep, because sleeping beside him the other night only made her giddy and unable to sleep at at all. But then, soon she was asleep too.

Tonight, there were no dreams. Both of them had never slept so peacefully.

* * *

_to be continued_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Insomnia, Apnea, Heartburnt**

AN: Revising takes longer than writing. I still make a lot of changes when I realize mistakes! Maybe even in this one. This is the longest chapter so far.

* * *

He woke with a hangover. It was night. It felt like anvils are pounding through his head with resonating pain. The aftertaste of alcohol is in his mouth, though he's never been drunk in his life before, did not even have a taste of liquor. He found himself sitting between the roots of a large oak tree. He looked beyond, and saw a mass of naked bodies lying side by side in the space in the middle of the woods. Their bodies shone in the pale moonlight. He looked at the full moon, and he can't remember seeing the moon this large. He looked at the heap of people he first thought were dead bodies. He saw that some of the bodies are not human at all – he could see anthropomorphs resembling satyrs, goat-faced Baphomets, lying in post-coital bliss with other humanoid creatures.

He looked down at his own clothes, and saw that he was wearing a loden-green wool trench coat that reached his knees over the suit he wore for prom... He decided to leave before the strange people could notice him, before they could see that he was different than them, but he could not find a way out. All that surrounded him were forests.

He stood, and walked towards the dense trees. He was only guided by the light from the moon. He stepped over twigs and leaves that crunched under his shoes. In the dark, he could see the shadows of scurrying creatures – bats, squirrels, rats, whatever lurks in woods. But soon, the light faded to darkness, until all he could see was pitch black. He tried to go back the trail where he came from, but the light never came back, and it felt like he only got more lost.

He could still hear the rustle of dried leaves and grass he was stepping on, but it seemed that the dark had swallowed him whole. He tried to calm the fear in his heart. He suddenly had the urge to run but he knows running is useless here, he would only be impeded by the trees. He stopped, and closed his eyes, thought that the place might change once he opened them again. He waited, but the dark didn't change whether he closed his eyes not, it remained the same. He tried to control his panic.

He saw a faint glow on his peripheral vision. He turned, and followed the light. It was a milky, dim phosphorescence. He walked slowly, pushing away the trellis vines on his path that hung from tree branches. He could feel their thorns cut through the skin of his hands, but he soldiered on to the light. He walked for what seemed like a very long time, and was already losing hope that what he was following was merely a mirage. Then, he found the light source. It shone enough that he could see the thorned vines around the trees, dotted with red glass flowers. Then, he saw what was glowing was a creature he has not seen before.

There stood a beast standing in four legs, a white horse. A single, spiral horn of a narwhal protruded from the middle of its forehead. Its eyes were yellow and round, pupils black slits like wounds. They looked like the enlarged eyes of a python. Around the eyes were specks of jade-green scales. It was a unicorn. He felt awe, and he also felt what anyone would if they met an enchanted creature. He wanted to get near it, to touch it, tame it, love it. He wants to climb and sit astride it, to stroke it's mane. He walked nearer, and the beast looked straight into his eyes. This wasn't not the kind of wild animal that bolts and runs at the sight of a human.

A voice out of nowhere spoke, like the dark itself spoke. "Only virgins can touch unicorns," it said.

"I'm a virgin. I'm only sixteen, and I've not done that yet," he answers.

"Anyone who merely looks at a woman with lust in his heart is already guilty of sin."

"What are you talking about? Who are you? Show yourself," he said, he tried to bite back the tremble in his voice that showed his fear. "I just want to touch it," he said again, and the creature looked at him with those all-too-knowing eyes.

The voice interrupted again, "What about that night you almost took your sister?"

"Really, what the hell? It doesn't mean that way. She asked for it, and it'll not happen again anyway."

"Even now you are sleeping with her."

"And is there anything wrong with that? I _am here_. How can I be sleeping with... wait. This is a dream. Unicorns can't exist in the other side. Please, I just want to touch the animal before I wake up..."

"But the question is, does it want _you _to do so?"

"_Please_," he said, a request to the creature. He stooped low, knelt on one knee and held out his hand. He wanted the creature to come to him out of its own will.

The creature had walked towards him with its head down. He touched it. He's never felt anything so lush, so soft, as the fur of its mane. He caressed the horn, the bone crusted with iced white snow. The unicorn looked at him, the python eyes forgiving and telling him that he was a good boy, it told him to ignore the devils' voices. He was pure and clean, and unicorns only like virgins. He pressed his face to its cheek, and it smelled like fresh orchids and expensive Chanel perfume. With love and devotion, he touched the unicorn for the last time, and already he knew that the next moment the illusion would be gone...

#

He wakes up, and his hand was not touching unicorn fur but the bed sheets. His other arm curled around his sister's waist, and him breathing in the smell of shampoo in her hair. She was still asleep. It's been a long time since they slept together in the same bed, and he resisted the urge to kiss her awake. He thought that in a childish whim, because kissing in the mornings had been a habit for years... but those were children's kisses, and they were no longer kids. She opened her eyes, emerald-green eyes, or almost the green of Mountain Dew glass bottles. A green so lush, and he never realized all the complications of human eyes until he looked into one. Realizing they were too near, and that her eyes were open and looking at him, he was the first to let go and turn away.

"I just had a strange dream. There was a unicorn, and a creepy voice telling me unicorns only like virgins. But I did touch the unicorn and it felt so nice, it smelled so good, I'd like to have one," he said.

"So, you're a virgin," she answered, rubbing her eyes.

"Hell, _you are_, too. I don't ever remember my dreams like this, I always forget them by the time I open my eyes."

"I've had pretty weird dreams with you in them and some white girl, and someone who looks like Kali, but I've forgotten most of them. Some even had dances turning to orgies and sentient fruits... Snow White stuff, not sure..." she trailed words and yawned.

There is a liminal space between sleeping and waking, between the last forgotten dream and finally being awake. Two insomniacs sleeping in the same bed ended up having a strange, sleepy conversation that morning, about dreams and things they wouldn't normally talk about when they were fully awake and aware.

"Your eyes are so green. Your bangs keep on covering your left eye. Maybe you should change your hair style. Can you still see properly?" he asked.

"I see fine. Your eyes are dark green, like pine leaves, and your eyes look different from mine. Yours are narrow. Mom's eyes are green. Dad's eyes are black."

"And your eyes are big," Tomoki answered, and yawned as well. He turned his back to her, and slept again. The early sunrise was outside, and Tomoko left his bed and returned to her own room. This morning, all the thoughts of last night didn't make any sense. She decided not to do this again... for a while. Two nights were enough.

She felt something has shifted. Something has changed between them, that if ever she wanted to sleep beside him, it would be alright with him. He didn't say it or give her full permission, but it was something she was sure of. Living with someone all your life, even with mutual intolerance, can make people understand some things without speaking.

#

Things like:

"Let's go home. No more detours."

That was years ago. This happened in a bad attempt at a disguise, so her classmates won't recognize her. She met her brother on her way out. She's heard one of his classmates say, _what an ugly girl_. She broke into a run the moment she stepped out of that fast-food restaurant, not knowing where to go, just ran and ran until she was tired. She crouched, breath heaving, clutching her knees. She saw that she reached a familiar playground. The only space to sit was in the swings. There were no children playing at this hour. The monkey bars, slides, swings, and see-saws were once painted in pastel paint, but now there are more patches of rust than paint. They used to play here, too.

Her brother arrived, just knowing where she was even if she hadn't told him. It didn't surprise her. Some things between a brother and a sister, they just know, in their own secret, silent language.

#

She felt the subtle change in the days that passed. There seemed to be no trouble with them eating breakfast together. For the first time, they went to school together. All these done without talking or questions, all seamless. Tomoko felt that if she talked or asked something silly, he wouldn't mock her. She rather liked these comfortable silences.

She didn't sleep there again, but felt that if she ever did it would be okay with him. There was still no explanation to that blindfold incident nights ago, though. But sometimes, in the moments before she slept, she hugged a pillow and imagined it all over again. It made her sleep better, and knew that if she wanted the real thing, it was only in the next room...

#

A week later.

"Something seems to be wrong with Tomoko," said his mother, setting two cups of steaming coffee on the dining table. Tomoki proceeded loading it with sugar and heaps of dairy cream.

"She's quieter than usual. And less annoying than usual," he answered.

"You seem to be getting along better. Is she sleeping in your room?"

"Just sometimes. Only twice, I think."

"In the same bed?"

"Yeah."

Her mother's answer was only a quirk of one eyebrow.

"You know, I remember when you both were younger... you always forced Tomoko to cuddle with you, and she didn't like it, and I always had to tell you, 'Tomoki! Stop molesting your sister!'" his mom said and laughed.

Tomoki visibly cringed. "Ugh. Just stop," he said, and his mother only laughed more.

"Your father is going home tonight."

"He's away a lot I forget he exists."

"How many times do you drink coffee in a day?"

"This is my third cup..." Tomoki said, sipping it.

"Maybe you should cut the dosage. Hell, that's probably why you can't get enough sleep. Look at your eye bags."

"I can't," he said, looking at his reflection of the surface of the coffee in his cup. It could be the solution to insomnia.

"I read once in Reader's Digest that in one country they tested the sewage of one city to know the most consumed drug. Can you guess what?"

"Cocaine? Meth? Weed?"

"No. Caffeine. That's why you should think of quitting," his mother said.

The doorbell rang, and his sister went in. It was time for dinner. His sister didn't go in his room, but for some inexplicable reason she seemed more pleasant... He thought that maybe his sister has grown out from a phase.

#

One morning in school, Tomoko's math teacher was absent. She didn't want to stay and listen to all her classmate's chatter and the usual noise when there was no teacher. She decided to get out and sneak in her brother's classroom. She brought his dictionary, as an excuse to meet him to return it. She was about to walk in, but stopped when she saw that there was a teacher. It was the same woman from the library Komiyama talked about. Their lesson was about poetry – free-verse. The teacher was saying that poetry wasn't only in the form of rhymed meter and precise numbers of verses and stanzas. Some famous poems were free-form, the poet not heeding to formal rules. Tomoko sat near the door where she can see and listen. Her brother was there, looking out the window.

"Can you read the poem in the text for us, Tomoki?" the teacher asked her brother, and he stood up. The class was silent, it seemed that most of his classmates were bored and sleepy. In the classroom quiet, his was the only voice, reciting an eccentric poem.

"The King's dear daughter has heard the good news, that her fairest, youngest brother has come of age and thus will be wed to a fair daughter of another Duke's kingdom. But she is keeping a secret, a living sin, a life beginning in her womb. And her child's father, is none other than her own father's son. Sons of David, Sons of Cain, I call upon thee, there is a beast lying in wait, slouching towards the world to be born - the first abomination, the first monster, is the diabolic product of the sin of a brother and sister..."

So on and so forth. Tomoki was good at reading, like he was acting out the odd sorrow of the story of the poem. She could not understand it, she did not have a mind to decode metaphors – the poem was composed of disjointed imagery, references to beasts and myths, of ancient tales. In fact, it sounded pretentious as hell, hinting at a depth it didn't contain. Or it only seemed to her that way, she disliked poetry. The only thing she understood was in the end, the sister killed herself and her brother buried him. She waited for the teacher's explanation.

"So what can you say about it?" The teacher asked Tomoki, who finished reading the poem with a sharp, audible intake of breath.

"I think it's not very good," he answered, and for no reason everyone laughed. They all probably couldn't get it too.

"Any reaction, anyone?" she asked the rest of the class.

"So, ma'am, last week we were talking about _Antigone_ and the Oedipus and Electra complexes in psychology, so is there a term applying to sibling complexes? Something more formal than _brocon _and _siscon_?," some girl answered with more questions.

"Well, I do love my younger sister but _not that way_ of course, and any guy who thinks of getting near her would have to go through me first. Oh, we were talking about the poem, right? I didn't understand it but it sounded pretty hardcore," said another guy.

"The dogs at home seem to have no such qualms. Our dog has sired children through his own daughters, he even had children with his own granddaughters. Siblings give birth to siblings who also make puppies..." said another one who probably had lots of pets at home.

"They're _dogs_, moron!" someone interrupted, and everyone laughed again. "That's it, Miss, if you'd like us to have a discussion on the incest taboo as stated in that poem, then that's the reason. Imagine the tangled mess it would make of a family tree if closely-related people do procreate," said some geek with hipster glasses. The teacher just smiled and nodded along, letting the class banter back and forth. It has never been that way in her classes where usually, a teacher asks and the common answer will be silence, unless the teacher makes one of them speak and answer.

"Now, we better move on to the next poem... who'd like to read?"

"Wait, well, I just thought," said Tomoki, and everyone stopped to look and listen to him. Tomoko observed him, also waiting for what he might say. "Let's just suppose what if the myth of Adam and Eve is true... then all of humanity must have descended from brothers and sisters. So I think, why is it weird now? It must have been normal and expected. Oh, but then they were the first humans. Gods and creation myths are also replete with incest, like Zeus and Hera, or Osiris and Isis from Egyptian myth for example... but then, they're also gods. Okay, I don't really know what I'm talking about. Go on..." He was there, just letting his thoughts wander while he was speaking, and he himself looked unsure with what he was talking about. Tomoki was smarter than her, at least when it comes to common sense, trivia, and facts.

"Do you happen to have a sister, Tomoki?" asked the teacher, and the classroom made another collective snicker.

"Well, yeah, we're only two siblings, I have an older sister but not like hell I'm considering that..." he said, and everyone burst into laughter again. Tomoko clutched the book, unexpectedly hurt. She decided to go to the girl's comfort rooms instead, and wait until the bell rings for her next class. She can at least sit on a toilet and sleep.

#

That night, when she slips a couple of fingers inside her underwear, she thinks that she had more... references now. Before, only further imaginations on how he hurt her – that grip, that kick. Now he knew how he smelled, how he held her, his breathing, how he was in all her five senses. She stops. Imagination and fantasies were nothing compared to the real thing. She gets up instead, and takes with her the black silk neck tie fished out of the fresh laundry, the makeshift blindfold he used nights ago. She hesitated at first, and wrapped the cloth around her fist.

She slides open the door to his room. He was sitting on his bed, and looked at her as if he expected her to come. She hopes that he won't notice her hands shaking on its grip on the blindfold. Trying to make her face as serene as possible, she walked towards him. He held out his hand. Again, that feeling of her heart racing. Now, she was the one curious. She wants to know how it felt like to control someone. She held the hand offered to her. She blindfolded him. She sat on the swivel chair, and observed him. He didn't seem to complain.

He looked cute with a blindfold. This was a silent thing, like a game. You did this to me once, and now it's my turn.

She didn't know what else to do except to look at him. Her brother used to be smaller than her, and she was the one carrying him on her back, long before. She only poked him, on his arms and on his sides. It made him twitch. She tickled him, he wiggled awkwardly.

"So, whatr'e you going to do?" he asked.

"Don't make any noise. If you say anything or make any noise, I will stop," she said, only saying what he told her then.

"Oh, I know you won't stop even if I just answered you..." he answered with amusement, but kept quiet after. She pulled his shirt up over his belly a bit, and his shorts were pulled so low down his hips the band of his boxers was showing. She pulled his shorts up to cover it. She only observed him, and on a whim, pressed the lightest of kisses on his shoulder. He didn't react. He neither showed signs of accepting or denying it, of liking or disliking it. She pressed her ear to his heart. She felt Tomoki's fingers run gently through her hair. She closed her eyes, and slept on him while sitting on the chair.

#

She woke later, in the earliest hours of morning. She took the blindfold off Tomoki and headed back to her room.

#

When Tomoko realized that she was in love with her brother, it was one late afternoon. They went home together after classes. They were alone in the kitchen, drinking coffee. They both had to stay up late to study for exams. It only occurred as a thought rising in her mind out of nowhere. Thunder didn't strike. The earth didn't break apart. It happened inside her, but it was only like she discovered that she had loved him all along. It was like an old, golden locket buried deep inside her heart that she only unearthed now and held to the light. It was as natural as going home every afternoon. She thought that her home was her brother. You can't help who you love. She felt that default brotherly love that normal siblings have, that is still there no matter how much they bicker, fight, or ignore each other.

But there was another kind, like a slow blossoming of a flower in a space beside her heart. She's never been in love before. She only knows it in theory. It didn't feel like the love in the games or on TV. She figured that what she felt was another kind of love entirely, the first of its kind, undiscovered and undescribed anywhere in the universe.

If he wasn't her brother, she wouldn't love him that way. It wasn't in the way he usually talked to her. It was in the small things: how he tucked her hair behind her ear one morning, the way he held her that he felt like she'd die if he'd ever let go, the way he approaches her in school to go home. The only person in the world who knew her inside out was him.

The realization happened while she was pouring water into her coffee. In a moment, she didn't think about herself and realized what love is and how little she knew about it. It was unselfish and kind. She thought that she understood it now.

He was sitting there on their dining table, the sunset's orange light through the window making his skin shine, it made the dark green of his eyes look iridescent. He looked out the window, but it seemed that he was thinking of a foreign place. He must be imagining himself somewhere inside a dark forest, stroking a handsome unicorn.

To her, it wasn't wrong as long as it didn't interfere with anything anyway. It was love for no reason. It didn't ask to be loved back. It was there just because.

#

Tomoki realized he was in love with his own sister. He realized this while looking at the steam rising from his cup of coffee, and there was no sound at all except the wind outside and her pouring hot water to her coffee cup. He ripped open a package of chocolate to eat later.

No one grated on his nerves more than her. Yet, it had been there all along, the feeling... as a boy that your sister was your one and only love. He's tried to fool himself he didn't feel it but he still did.

But it wasn't the kind of love he saw in movies, it didn't seem to be the same as what he saw as a fleeting kind of love in teenagers and boys his age. It was the kind of love that he's sure will not be over in an instant. He's felt it since he was young anyway. How everyone else can go but not your family. She was his home. The way he held her close, only opened up old feelings.

He decided to let it lie. They knew this was fine, them going on the way they were. He liked the feeling of being with her (though he won't admit that to himself), even though he doesn't like showing what he felt.

He'd never admit it to her in a million years, though. She'll always be near, anyway. She'll always be annoying to him. It was love for no reason. It didn't ask to be loved back. It was there just because.

It wasn't like he _fell _in love. It was there all along, he only put a name on it now. You can't help who you love, and when you hold that someone in your sleep, it just happens inside you like cancer.

#

Preoccupied with their own thoughts while sitting on the same table, Tomoki didn't realize that his sister was eating the rather expensive dark chocolate he brought yesterday. He was so mesmerized with how the golden light of the sunset was gradually fading on the leaves of the tree outside. He looked down, and what was left for him was only a wrapper.

"Thanks," she said.

He answered by gripping her head in an iron claw.

Well, nothing really changed after all.

* * *

_to be continued. Next chapter: the confession. (I also started a couple of short one-shots for these two... soon)._


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